Teganjaz Books Presents... Author, Tracy L. Darity

The lavish wedding is over, the honeymoon was a great success, and the family is settling nicely into the new home on the cul-de-sac. It’s Saturday afternoon and you’re out with the girls for a day of shopping and a late lunch when one of your friends states she has learned her husband has been caught cheating for the second time in as many years. Everyone offers their regrets for the pain she is going through. As you look to each other for words of encouragement to give the friend, your heart is racing because you have your own drama at home that you are experiencing.

Every direction we turn there is news of infidelity, abuse, murder/suicides, and statistics on failed marriages. Nowadays it is rare to attend a wedding ceremony where traditional vows are exchanged. It is as if the couples have already decided that there will be no having, holding, cherishing, standing by each other through sickness, or in health, till death they do part. What is even more frightening is that a lot of couples who experience marital strife don’t try to fix what is wrong but choose to live in misery for years before one or both decide it is time to move on.

If you learned today that your spouse was having an affair, you would be hurt, even devastated. You may confront him (or her) with what you consider the fact, but then what. Do you except their explanation for what you think you saw or heard, do you demand that they put an end to the affair, or do you suggest counseling? What is the next step in removing this cancer from your relationship?

Once both parties have acknowledged that there is a problem in the marriage and have given it a name, i.e. affair, abuse, money, etc, the next step is to have open communication about it. Both parties must understand their part in the problem and be willing to be a part of the solution. Without both spouses willing to reverse the damage, there can be no reconciliation.

In any life experience, once we have a negative experience it is hard to forget. However, to move forward, we must forgive. I hear people say all the time, “I will forgive but I will never forget.” I believe by refusing to forget, you can never truly forgive. By not forgetting you allow a constant reminder to take residence on the surface and that reminder will always have you on high alert.

Surviving issues in a marriage is always possible, especially if you both want to work for the good of the marriage. Life is full of trials and tests. They come only to make us stronger. A couple determined to stay together (Hhmm, got me wanting to hear some Al Green), will do what is necessary to do just that. But what about the couple who isn’t? It always amazes me when I hear women say, “If I caught my husband cheating I would stay just to make his life a living hell.” Excuse me, but negativity breeds negativity, so if you are making his life a living hell, aren’t you also making yours one too. And then there are men who are not happy in their marriage but decide to stay because, “it’s cheaper to keep her,” or “I know what I have at home already, and I’m too afraid to take a chance on something new.” I always thought peace of mind was priceless. And what if you came home one day and she had moved out, wouldn’t you have to take a chance on something new?

Personally, I can’t even imagine living in an unhappy home. The same energy that is being exhausted in a lifeless marriage is the same energy that could be used in working to save that marriage. When two people say “I Do” that should be making a vow to do whatever it takes to love each other, take care of each other, and support each other, for the rest of their lives. Once you stop trying and begin just living in a shared space, you have commuted your marital bliss to a life sentence, and are now living each day in a six by six cell hoping the other person will one day grant you parole.

Tracy L. Darity is the author of He Loves Me He Loves Me Not! and Love…Like Snow In Florida On A Hot Summer Day. Click links to learn more. The above blog is part III of her Love… series.

Part I – Are You And Your Mate Keeping It 100?

Part II – First Comes Love Then Comes Marriage Then Comes ____ Pushing A Baby Carriage

Excerpt from Love…Like Snow In Florida On A Hot Summer Day

LaDamien

Next Friday will mark two years since Mya and I began seeing each other. It’s hard to believe it’s only been two years because she has become such a constant in my life. Lately, I have been feeling like letting Mya go, but that will never be an option. I just can’t see my life without her in it. Recently, I did a foolish thing that potentially could have cost me her love, and I must admit that things have changed between us since that day. It seems we have weathered the storm, although my actions continue to taunt me.

A few months ago I made the decision to leave Kim. My inability to stand strong and follow my heart has been eating at my core being ever since I failed to follow through on my plans. For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.

It was all worked out in my mind and on paper. I would pay off the mortgage on the house and the note on Kim’s car, leaving her with no large debts to worry about. On top of that, I would give her a cash settlement to help her transition into her new life, no longer being dependent on me to pay for everything. My decision was made after visiting my cousin Rob who had recently divorced. I poured my heart out even going so far as to tell him about my affair with Mya. In the end, Rob couldn’t tell me if I should stay or if I should leave Kim, but instead told me to follow my heart and do what would make my life better in the long run. He told me it wouldn’t be easy and I would second guess myself a million times. “Just give it a lot of thought, don’t have false expectations and most important, don’t do it for Mya but do it because it is the right thing for all parties involved to be at peace.”

A week after my talk with Rob my mind was made up. I would ask Kim for a divorce. The night I was to put my plan into action I called Mya to let her know. “Make sure you are near the phone and be prepared for me to stay with you a few days if things get too ugly.”

The reservation in her voice was ubiquitous, but being classic Mya, she stayed positive and encouraging. As I look back on the conversation it may have been her reserved behavior that caused me to pause and question what I was really about to do. A hundred times, I asked myself, what if I left my wife and Mya had no interest in marrying me? People would think I was such a fool, and they would make me the butt of many jokes, plus things between Kim and I would be ruined. Then I thought about Mark, he had made the decision to dissolve our partnership. This brought added pressure and had me worried about the ramifications of my decision. What if things did not work out for me and my solo venture failed? Kim has a lucrative position that pays well. I would need to rely on her income until I worked things out. What if I needed to take out a loan for my business, her income would boost my rating. What if I became ill? Our family is insured through her employer. And the house, it too could come into play if things didn’t go as planned. There was just so much to be considered that could prove this a bad decision.  By the time I arrived home and settled down I had completely talked myself out of it.

Kim

I am looking across the table at TayJohn, spilling my guts about my marriage, my husband, and that bitch he can’t seem to let go. His expression is blank. He is either in shock or thinks I am the biggest idiot he has ever met. We ended up here at the Rare Olive in downtown St. Petersburg, a bar on the corner of Central Avenue and third street, after I broke down at the office.

TayJohn caught me coming out of the ladies room located in an obscure part of the building. It was on the same floor as his office but at the back of the building in an area that was used mainly for storage. Thinking I was eluding others I took the back elevator down but ended up walking right into him.

“You all right?” he asked the second he laid eyes on me. As bad as I wanted to say yes, I couldn’t. LaDamien had been in rare form lately and it had finally come to a head the night before. He stormed out of the house the way he usually did when he did not want to face a problem head on but I wasn’t content riding out his temper tantrum so I called him today to pick-up where we had left off.

Calling from work and not waiting until we were at home was a bad idea. The things he said to me on that call were unthinkable and I could hardly believe they were coming from his mouth, but my ears were not deceiving me, it was my husband on the other end of the line and he was yelling as loud as he could that he regretted the day he ever met me and marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life.

We were standing near an empty office, so TayJohn led me inside and closed the door. “Are you okay, what’s going on?” he was almost pleading for an answer….

….. He was right. He was a great listener because he didn’t utter a word while I was talking, not even when he signaled to the bartender to bring us a refill. “We’ve been married for eight years now and I don’t believe we’ve gone more than three or four months where I felt like I’ve had my husband all to myself. His nephew came to live with us and I thought for sure this would be a positive move, but instead he’s teaching his nephew to be as trifling and deceitful as he is.

Dexter, his nephew, lies and covers for my husband. He even has my daughter covering for him. While I was in Baltimore on business he left my child with some woman, in our home. The description my daughter gives of the woman makes me believe it is Faye. Could he be that deceitful, and lowdown, he won’t admit it and when I bring it up he flies off the handle and goes into an uncontrollable rage. I brought it up again last night and I actually thought he was going to hit me.”

Three hours had passed and every second was filled with the insanity I call my marriage. I needed him to say something, anything, to give me a feel for what he was thinking about me. He had to be wondering how a woman with my educational and professional credentials could end up in a relationship full of ignorant ghetto drama.

“Please don’t repeat anything I said to you tonight to anyone. You are the only person I have confided any of this too, not even my closest friends know the hell I am living in.”

“Wow, you’re still there so you must not be tired yet,” he chuckled. “Do you want my honest opinion or are you just relieved to finally have someone you could unload this burden on? I think you’re the first woman I have ever heard of who didn’t run and tell her girlfriends every detail of her relationship. Maybe that’s why you’ve stayed so long.”

I pondered over what he’d just said. Truth was I had no idea why I stayed with LaDamien. Maybe I just didn’t want to be alone, especially with my mother gone. He and Ariel are my family, and I didn’t know how to move on.

For purchasing information visit www.tracyldarity.com or www.amazon.com.

Click here to peek inside this both books.